Within the first ten minutes of 2012 a character from India talks about the temperature in Fahrenheit. Strike one.

Did I mention this particular character was a scientist? Strike-goddamned-two.

Then they start talking about ‘mutated neutrinos‘. Wait, did I miss a fundamental change in the way the known universe works? Do sub-atomic particles now mutate? That’s it, I’m fucking leaving. Screw you and your stupid film, Roland Emmerich.

Okay, so I didn’t leave, and the review isn’t quite so short. That scene above, though, sums up one of the biggest reasons the film sucks. It’s also a pretty good example of the only good thing (other than Woody Harrelson) about the film.

What’s wrong with 2012? You’re going to be presented with ‘ZOMG ONLY 50 FEET UNTIL WE CRASH! ZOMG NOW ONLY 25 FEET UNTIL WE CRASH! ZOMG BRAKES NOT WORKING ONLY 10 FEET UNTIL WE CRASH! ZOMG ONLY 5 FEET UNTIL WE CRASH! OMG OMG OMG OMG whew – only a few inches to spare!’ each and every scene. For two and a half hours. To be fair, sometimes it’s all ‘JEEBUS WE ONLY HAVE 5 MINUTES UNTIL THE EXPLOSION! NOW WE ONLY HAVE 2 MINUTS UNTIL THE EXPLOSION!’ instead, but you get the picture – 2012 is a non-stop sequence of poorly-drafted cliffhangers.

Sometimes, the imagery presented is mind-blowingly awesome to the point where you kind of forget how positively insipid the plot, science, drama and action are. Seriously, they must have had a blast spitballing ideas for the film: “Okay, how about we smash the shit out of the White House – WITH AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER! BAM!”

2012 filled me with seething rage any time the CGI wasn’t working overtime, so only if you want to see some awesome stuff happen should you go see this film; and only then you should go catch it on the big screen.  I don’t care how good your home theatre is (seriously, if you end up with 2012 in your blu-ray collection, you are a retard), it’s never going to make this pile of dog vomit worth watching. As much as I hate to see a script this revoltingly poor rewarded with moneys, it sure was pretty.